I wonder if a writer's talent might stagnate if she's published before her time, especially if her very first book is published. In my experience, the writing quality of my second MS (manuscript) was much better than the first. I'm sure my third will be better than either of the first two. But we all know of published novels where the writing is amateurish or otherwise makes us say, "Yeck." Maybe these writers had an awesome premise to make up for the mediocre skill (Boneshaker, I'm looking at you), or they just had better network connections in the publishing world. But now that they've got a foot in the door, do they have the burning desire to improve their skill further, or would it be a, "Phew. I'm there," attitude and focus on maintaining rather than improving? (I'm sure it's different for each writer, obviously.)

Now I'm sure the pressure on published writers is far greater, no doubt. Unlike the unpublished masses, you've got expectations to live up to. You've got pressure to write a sequel that lives up to the first book, or a new one-shot that will hold the attention of your existing fanbase. But I don't think this stress would necessarily translate to desire to increase skill.

Speaking honestly for myself, if my first book had been published, I'd probably think I was pretty hot shit and [I wildly speculate] most angst I'd suffer when writing a sequel would be over the fear of not being brilliant or blaming "lack of inspiration." (Have I mentioned how much I hate the idea of blaming "muses" for poor writing performance? Now I have.) "My skill alone couldn't be an inhibiting factor, because I'm already published, right?" Sure, I'd hope to improve my writing skill and my skill would improve incidentally from practice, but I wouldn't be driven to improve like I am now.

It's kind of like if you'd already won first place in a contest even though you weren't that good. Would you train day and night to excel your old standards or would you come to the conclusion, "Hey. It was good enough for first place. I just gotta maintain my current skill level."

Prideful beast that I am, in some ways I think I'm better off for not being published by now. It's keeping me humble and makes me more sympathetic towards my fellow aspiring (preferably working) writer. When I'm finally in print, I know my skills will be a lot more "buff" in my debut novel than they would have been if Clevermind or Almost Human were picked up. The struggle has guarded me against the "Whew! I'm there. Now I can relax," mindset, but even if I get lazy and my skill hovers at the same level once I'm published instead of increasing, I'll still have the benefit of these struggling years. Sometimes it's good not to get what you want. As much as I like immediate success and validation, my most satisfying experiences are almost always some form of delayed gratification.

Apparently iPad owners are ‘Selfish Elites' and critics are ‘Independent Geeks.’ (Guess which stereotype I fit into.) Also Koelkebeck says the iPad's "major claim to fame is...sex appeal." Uhm... Really? The word I've heard describing the iPad's physique more than any other is "clunky", not a word I associate with sexual allure. (And who sexually fetishizes techno-toys anyway? The type who makes love to his vacuum cleaner's upholstery attachment perchance?)

Oh, joyous day! Today, while daydreaming at work, I officially uncovered the concept for my next novel including characters, setting, AND plot. I'm passionately excited about all three, they weave together perfectly, AND there's a lot of market potential. I couldn't be happier. ("Joyful" is really the word, not "happy") It's still in the basic outline phase, but I've got months of unchallenging data entry ahead of me to daydream up the juicy details. I started with the question, "What would be an AWESOME story to write?" instead of, "What can I write?" or "What will sell?" I followed my geeky passions to find a story that would thrill me, and only checked for saleability afterward. Check and check. Dream novel, here I come!

Another triumph: Today I started skating on my own! It's been a long while since my last practice session, so I thought I might be leaning on Alan more than ever, but today I finally cut the cord and started skating by myself (with him walking alongside for moral support. heh) It's taking me a loooong time to learn to skate because I'm very poor at learning kinetic skills. It took me forever to learn to ride a bike as a kid. I can't dance. I failed utterly at my attempts of learning to ski. I walked out of my first attempt at a stairstepping class because the moves were too elaborate. Everyone's got something they're bad at, at for me, it's this kind of thing. I like to be strong and fit, but it's all stuff that doesn't require much dexterity or coordination: walking, running, weight-lifting.

Many times I wanted to quit trying to skate. I wanted to quit soooo bad. I was scared to fall. Embarrassed at being bad at it. Impatient to know what I'm doing. Afraid to look foolish. I like being good at everything, and finding something I'm not just unskilled at, but way worse than average was very frustrating. To be honest, if I hadn't spent so much money on the skates and pads I probably would have quit by now. =X That, and the fact that Alan is really excited about skating with me. Even if I don't become a derby girl (quite possible as I consider the amount of free time practice nights would suck up), he still really wants to skate with me for recreation and exercise. So I did it for him. And for a return on my investment. And 'cause, dammit, it's okay for me to be bad at something. I shouldn't quit, I should overcome. My victory will be all the sweeter for how challenging it was for me.

We went to sushi for dinner to celebrate. =) Loving life right now.

Edit: Oh, and Undergear is having a huge sale and today the sexy thongs we ordered for Alan came in the mail. Is it Christmas in July or what? I must have been a good girl this year. >=D

Alan and I splurged for some steak the other day at the store. We're pretty thrifty (but healthy!) with our grocery spending usually, buying cheap lean cuts of meat like chuck steak. So when we decided to get a higher-quality cut, it felt like a crap shoot knowing what to buy. This is the best guide I found for navigating the unfathomable fog of beef grades and meat cuts. I thought I'd pass it on in case others feel lost when choosing steaks.

I forgot to mention in my last post, but this new job is just what I needed for my artistic career! I'm one of those sick individuals that actually enjoys working, so it does wonders for my self-esteem just to exercise my brain and bring home a paycheck. And this bizarro office setting of people who hate their job (but keep coming back to it every day) is helping me meet some interesting characters of all ages I never would have encountered otherwise. I know there's some future novel characters brewing in my mind thanks to my cubicle-mates.

Clicking through random spew of medical codes for 8 hours a day is pretty mind-numbing, so music is a necessity. Over the course of the week, I've copied my entire CD collection to my PC. Some of my coworkers listen to books on tape, but I'm reluctant to do that. As I get more and more familiar with my job, I can do it in my sleep, and that allows my mind to roam. If I was listening to books on tape, I'd be focused on the story, but with music just evoking a mood and my fingers on autopilot, I've got plenty of brain power left over to daydream about stories and characters. I know I'd be depressed and mopey and putting WAY to much creative pressure on myself if I was at home. But at work, coming up with story is a background process and I'm in no hurry to rush into my next novel: the perfect fertile soil for creative daydreaming.

I've listened to all the CDs I own so many times I'm sick of them, so I decided to treat myself to some new CDs to help get me through the long work days. I picked up 7 CDs from Amazon, all used, ranging from $0.01 to $3. Even with shipping, I got all 7 for $35. Buying used is definitely the green-friendly cheap way to get new tunes. =D And something tells me new music will help me explore new creative pathways. When I hear over-familiar music, it tends to bring my thoughts backwards to old memories and associations with past writing projects. Fresh tunes are an invitation to new pathways and associations. It's fun to see the packages trickling in through the mail. =)

The new job is... easy. Which is what I was hoping for. I used to hate the steep learning curve of a challenging job. My last office job took months before I was fully trained. There was so much to learn, and I was frustrated by my own lack of skill. Now I've got a job so easy that I mastered it within two days. ...It's definitely helping me appreciate the stimulation of something more challenging.

I process Medicaid claims all day. A digital scanner reads all the thousands of forms that come in the mail each day, but the machine can't distinguish handwriting, smudged forms, etc. So they've got IKE ("intelligent key entry") workers like me to scan through all the fields that the computer's scratching its head over. The computer pops up the highlighted area it's trying to read, and what it thinks that form says. If it's right, you just keep hitting enter to say, "Yep, that's right," and when it's wrong, you key in what it should say. Pretty much "monkey work" as I call it. The machines do all the heavy lifting, and us pitiful organics are only needed for our squishy human brains. I'm sure a computer's inability to read handwriting is the only thing that prevented the the robotic uprising of the late '90s.

But it's state work like I wanted, and now I've got my foot in the door. Once you're a state worker, it's much easier to transfer to a different job or a different department. They'll almost always hire someone they know who's "in the system" than an unknown applicant from off the street. (A friend at church who works for the state started out by stuffing binders and eventually moved up to management.) I just gotta tough out my 6 month probation period (no leave days = no going home for Christmas) and then I can apply elsewhere with the state. This job would be pretty soul-crushing and boring if it was for the rest of my life, but I can handle 6 months with good humor.

The office environment is nice, my coworkers are pretty cool. Though I'm puzzled by how many have candidly told me that this job sucks and that "it doesn't get any better with time," yet they've been working the job for ten years or more. I ask what keeps 'em going, and they usually say something like, "The knowledge that the weekend is eventually coming." Damn. I mean, I'd gladly take a sucky job to get by for a little while, but 10 years hating what you do for half your waking life? Who'd resign themselves to that? And if you can't change the job, then can't you at least change your attitude and find something positive about it... Hmm.

I've got a strong work ethic and I enjoy mastering a job, however simple. I like challenging myself to exceed my own abilities, and eventually be the best in my department at everything I do. I guess it could just be pride, but I don't feel condescending towards others; just proud proud and accomplished for my own sake. Even as a kid, I wanted to get the best score on every math test or spelling tests... Alan loves Hermione from Harry Potter and when he sees my gotta-be-the-best smarty-pants streak come out, he calls me his "Hermione girl." Can't argue with the truth. It's interesting because I'm not a competitive person at all. I compete only with myself to break my own records and improve my skills. When I'm compelled to do better than my coworkers, it's usually because I'm inspired by the fact that someone can do better than I can. And if they can do it, so I can I, so I push myself until I can meet and exceed what's possible in the job.

Driven to excel, I figure if I can't make this new job more interesting, I can at least be more productive. After just my first week, I was already keying claims faster than my manager (60 claims/hour) and my coworkers who have been there for a decade (capping out at 90 claims/hour) I can easily hold steady at 100/hr and even do 120 if I'm really jamming. My typing speed and reading speed are wicked fast, which is probably how I got hired. Who said all those hours on the computer weren't good for anything? ;)

Rrrgh! >_< Can we agree that it's inexcusable in 2010 to create a PC game that doesn't allow you to invert the mouse/camera?? Rrrgh. Screw you, RF Online. I would play your Korean goodness if you didn't set my default camera backwards. And I was so excited about this MMORPG, too. Based on the text from the log-in screen, it sounds like what I've been looking for all my life in a video game:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL
Challenge level-up!
The goal is level-up! You'll win for 100% as soon as achieving it!
We give you effective items to every user who reach the certain level.
Please participate in the level-up Challenge event with full of level-up enjoyment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I chuckle at the bad translation, but only for a few seconds before I realize that's probably how bad my Japanese (or Spanish) sounds. =X

Thanks everyone for the grace and encouragement in my latest (friends-locked) post. You guys are tops.

I got that job I wanted. Wahoo! Thanks for your prayers and for holding a good thought for me. Now I work for the state in an office just 2 blocks away from Alan, I get free downtown parking, and we even work the same shift so we can carpool and see each other at lunch every day. Kickass.

Only thing I'm not looking forward to is the learning curve of starting a new job. I'm one of those jerks who thinks she's good at everything, so when I encounter something I'm not good at yet, I get all frustrated and impatient with myself like, 'I've been doing this for four hours. Why haven't I mastered it yet??' But it's been 4 years since I held a regular office job, and I love being a breadwinner, so I'm looking forward to the change, challenges and all. I start on Wednesday.

Normally, I'd think the job would mean I'd post in my journal less, but I don't think it'll happen this time. Ideally, I hope to write my regular 1,000 words/day AND work a 40 hr job just as soon as I grab hold of an idea that enthralls me enough to write a full novel about it. In the meantime, I've been letting my creativity run wild, thinking from scratch about character types and plot hooks I love instead of locking by brain in the chokehold of WHAT WILL SELL. So I'm writing self-indulgent whatever-I-want for the first time in years, and it feels effing fantastic. I miss the days of slapping out Gravitation fanfiction without overthinking it, getting beta reader feedback to improve my writing, then instant gratification of comments on FF.net and LJ comms. I hope to get back to that and get in the groove of associating writing with free-flowing ease and pleasure again. But what fandom...? Maybe I'll finally write the final chapter to Libido. Fake's Dee and Ryo are one of those couples I keep coming back to, long after my obsession with anime as a whole has cooled.

Or maybe I'll even go hog wild and write self-indulgent original fic now that my ego doesn't hang on reader's comments as much as it used to. In my early days of fanfic-writing, I'd be quite disappointed if something I wrote got very few comments. I wrote lots of fanfic rather than original stories simply because fanfic has a built-in audience, and it's a struggle to find readers of original stuff sometimes. But after writing unpublished novels for the last 3 years, getting reader feedback of any kind is a shocking abnormality (thought still GREATLY appreciated.) I used to write fanfic for the reviews, and had a "why bother?" attitude if I wasn't read by a lot of people. Now I realize that writing is a worthy goal in itself because it improves my skill, and it heals my brain and gets me in touch with the things I'm passionate about instead of always thinking of the imagined reader. I love having friends read my stories, I love getting feedback, but that can't be my only motivation for what I write, or it would be like always dressing and acting to please others instead of for oneself.

After only 8 days of job-hunting, I got a call for an interview. "We're on a fast-track for hiring. Can you come in tomorrow?" Fast-track, you say? Why, yes, sign me up for the 8:30 time slot. I spent the afternoon researching commonly-asked interview questions and the recommended best way to answer, getting all my answers primed and ready. Lookin' stylish in my suit the next morning, I studied the job listing for all the desired qualities I can assure them I possess in spades, and rolled up to the office.

Now I've been to a panel interview where you're interviewed by 3 people at once, but this time there weren't only 3 interviewers, but 3 interviewees. o_O They had so many applicants and so little time to get to them all, they were doing us in batches. They'd ask us each the exact same question in turn, and rotate which applicant was asked the question first. It was incredibly awkward to hear the answers of "the competition" right before and after yours, impossible not to directly compare them and think, "Whoah. She bombed that question," or "How can I make my answer much stronger than what she just said?"

Still, I rocked the interview. I was relaxed, charismatic, had all my answers ready while some of the other applicants yammered on way too long or spoke in vague generalities instead of giving facts about what they can offer the company. Better to keep answers short and potent so the interviewers' ears are still ringing with your competence while they jot down their notes than to recite your entire resume in answer to a simple question. One of the applicants had a really depressed-sounding monotone every time she spoke. From chatting with her in the waiting room, I know she was earnestly jocking for the job, but her voice communicated a mopey: "I know I'm not going to get this job, so why bother?" So much for the "positive attitude" the job listed as a desirable trait. =X

Finally was a skills test. The job requires 40WPM, and accuracy is more important than speed. I hammered out 85WPM with 97% accuracy lickety-split. (Who says spending all day on the computer isn't good for anything? Mwahahah) When the proctor came to pick up my results, she gave and impressed, "Whoah," so I'm feeling pretty good.

When I got home from the interview, there was a message on my machine asking for a call back from a different company. All right! Two interviews after just 8 days of job-hunting? Unprecedented. I call the guy back, thinking I'm going to set up another interview, but it turns out to be an interview right then over the phone. I was still in "interview mode", so I was relaxed and had all the answers right on the tip of my tongue.

Thanks to all who have been praying for me! I really hope I get the first job I interviewed for. It's with a state agency (my first choice) and their office is only 2 blocks away from Alan's office. We could carpool and go for walks at lunch every day; it would rock! XD Plus, the work looks easy and the office environment is quite nice. I'll find out in the beginning of next week. Here's hoping!

Been feeling blue all week and that's why I haven't posted, so I'll share my crappy news and I can get on to happier business next post. Last Saturday I finally made the decision to scrap book #3 entirely. After starting over 3 times and getting 30,000 words into the latest draft, I realized I just don't like this story. It's unpleasant to write and I'm not excited to describe it to others, and if I don't like this story, how can I expect my readers to? So it got the axe. (This is why I never got back to you on your suggestions for my protagonist's name, luzardo--sorry. And thanks for the random e-mail with cute animal pictures, crystal_lilly. It came just in time, right when I was feeling down. You musta subconsciously known my need for a smile right then.)

It felt really painful to think about the first few days. Somehow, it resembled the achy feeling of leaving an old boyfriend. If I had a lull between doing things and thought, "What should I be doing now?" my thoughts would instantly drift towards working on my story. And then I'd remember it was scrapped and I'd get this, "Oh, yeah. We broke up" feeling. Ugh. I don't regret it, at least. I'm happier to decide against this story now than 100 pages further in, so I'm grateful for the clarity. ( Synchronicity )

But even before I finally decided to put this latest WIP to rest, I'd been starting to job hunt a little. I need to get out of the house and enjoy more mental stimulation, and a little extra money to put towards retirement or fix up the house couldn't hurt. After 3 years of getting in the groove of writing regularly, I don't need a full 8-hour day to get my daily 1,000 words done any more. Most of the time, I procrastinate all day and crank out my words in the last 2 hours or so. I could work part time or even full time and still keep up my 1,000 words/day writing pace, so I think I will.

So now I'm in the middle of job search hell instead of query hell. @_@ I'm sending out about 2 resumes/day, which will add up to close to 50/month. I figure something will stick eventually. I hope to work on short fiction and submit to magazines, but while I'm recovering from grief over my latest misfire, I'm giving myself a week or two off from writing. In the meantime, I'm f-locking any of my blog posts that are remotely offensive or politically opinionated on the off chance that a potential employer Googles me. Mmmm. Self-censorship. =/

Thank goodness there's a roller derby game tomorrow to distract myself. I won't let myself think too long about how it's the last game of the season.

Oh, man. Just had one helluva (fun!) busy week! Monday, Alan and I went to an Imogen Heap concert and she's fantastic live. Very relaxed and conversational with the crowd. She's not just talented, but I'd say she's really a musical genius. She improvised a song right on the spot with called-out key from the crowd (F sharp minor) and with an audience member giving her a short melody in that key to work with. She produced an album-quality track right there before our eyes, available for download with proceeds going to charity. (And socially conscious, too? Be still, my heart). She played all my favorite songs.

She also gave lots of interesting trivia about where she got sound clips or what inspired different songs. She wrote one of my favorite songs, Come Here Boy when she was just 17 about a school teacher she had a crush on. Apparently she shared this tidbit in concert once and later learned that this very teacher was in the audience. (Awk-ward!) I was especially pleased by the Come Here Boy trivia because there's something cool about that fact a) she wrote the song when she was so darn young and b) it's about an older man, but she calls him "boy" and the erotically charged lyrics put her in the position of pursuer/alpha. But I think that's one of the things I like about Heap in the first place: her lyrics tend to put the female lead in an active, desirous, in-control position in relationship instead of usual lyrics with the woman's wistful and passive, "When will a man come to me/come back to me/win me over?" tone. Not that there's anything wrong with being a more passive partner, but if you like someone, go ask them out, even if you prefer a more submissive role once you've "got" them. (It always frustrated me in school when girls would sigh wistfully over a guy they liked, waiting endlessly for him to notice her or ask her out. I'd be thinking to myself, "Uhh... You know, you could be a little more proactive in this whole process.")


Enjoyin' a stogie. I've got an addictive personality, though, so Alan and I limit ourselves to no more than 1/2 a cigar a week (we share one)

Tuesday I hosted a D&D meet for my new 4th Edition campaign. Two of my players (a boyfriend and girlfriend) are first-timers when they started (we're level 7 now) and both are getting better and better about throwing themselves into the game and unabashedly role-playing. (I knew I'd like these guys when they dressed as Qui Gon Jinn and an elven warrior maiden for Halloween to take "Qui Gon"'s daughter trick-or-treating.) Our group is quickly bonding, and we enjoy going on day trips, double-dates, and hanging out to watch movies together (Alan's running a second D&D group, which allows me to be a player and not just DM, and it includes another 3 friends.) I haven't really had any in-person friends since college, keeping to a happily isolated life with just Alan at home and my online friends in cyberspace. But I must say, it's really nice to have a group of in-the-flesh friends to hang around with and play games, to share our concerns, and be there for each other when they/we need help. I met all of them through the Alpha course, and it's been quite a blessing. It's wonderful in a culture where we're all so isolated, and it's hard for 20-somethings to make new friends.

( Here's where I plug the awesomeness of 4th edition )

The experience of both Alan and me running our own D&D campaign has emboldened us to revisit White Wolf games. We used to play Vampire: The Masquerade together waaaay back when we first dated as seniors in high school and freshmen in college. I would run the game and Alan was the lone player, interacting with my cast of NPCs (non-player characters). So many fond memories of that time... ( Rediscovering White Wolf, practice makes artistic! )

( The joy of co-creating art with a loved one )

It always peeved me when I hear someone say, "Eww! Lookit that guy dressed like a girl!" or "Haha! That chick looks like a dude." I'll admit I'm biased because I find tomboy femmes and pretty boys more attractive than more polarized gender portrayals of feminine women or masculine men. But, see, I don't feel the need to slam these mainstream portrayals of femininity/masculinity just because they're "not my type."

I wonder if this mainstream distaste for androgyny originates in transphobia, or if it's part of that zero-sum game mentality some men have towards feminism: "Hey! Women used to be forced to wear short skirts and high heels a lot more. Since this damn women's rights movement, they're all wearing pants and there's less skin for me to gawk at!"



I like the juxtaposition of the two figures above: a male pro skateboarder (sorry, Don't know the name) and my favorite actress, Michelle Rodriguez. Both show their personality in these pics, and they're both beautiful. And I think if you swapped their hairstyles, clothes, makeup (or lack thereof), and poses, they'd both still be equally attractive.

I'm extremely grateful for the privilege to be able to wear pants or a skirt, sneakers or heels, or anything in-between. I feel sorry for men who wish to dress more pretty or cute and get bullied for so much as entertaining the notion. I can buy a cute pair of underwear for $3, while sexy/cute underwear for men starts at around $15 and the selection is vastly more limited. Underclothes are as discrete as you can get, and it's still a risk for a man to wear something pretty/sexy/cute for fear that a glimpse might show.

I still remember an episode of "Dirty Jobs" where a concrete worker bends over to show Mike Rowe (the host) a scar from back surgery and we see the man is wearing women's panties. This visibly alarms and disgusts Mike, but the foreman quickly reassures him that the man doesn't wear the red thong all the time. He's doing it because he lost a bet on who would win the Superbowl. Then we are shown a clip from an earlier episode in which Mike catches another Texas concrete worker with red-painted pedicured toenails. I remember thinking, "How cool!" It was a glimpse of reality that in reality the everyman on the street, even muscular tough-guy concrete workers, might feel sexy or pretty with red-painted toenails or thong underwear. But no question it was presented in the context of the show as, "Look at these freaks!" Both instances were hastily covered with some, "I lost a bet!" excuse, but I've got to wonder, what are the odds both these men lost a bet on that particular day versus the chance that they're just doing what they like and got "caught in the act" like it was a dirty little secret.

Even more reviled than the "guy who dresses like a girl" or the "chick who looks like a dude" are the androgynes where you just can't tell what gender they are. This seems to really upset onlookers, like they just have to know. Or point the androgynous person out to their friends, or make a joke, or gossip about why a parent would allow their teen/child to wear such androgynous clothes and hairstyles. Why should it be so distressing to see a gender-unidentifiable person? I think it's because the androgyne isn't easily categorized or put into a box. If I can't tell this person's gender at a glance, I might have to just treat them as a person first instead of a potential sex partner, someone weaker than me, or potential threat. And wouldn't that be a terrible thing...?